As of July 2, I’ve been writing this blog for five years. Every week, I’ve come up with something new in an attempt to entertain my readers (save two weeks—one re-run, and one guest post by John Valeri), so that’s approximately 260 original blog posts.

My point is, sometimes I run low on ideas.

Using a fancy research tool I call “Google,” I went hunting for a good idea. It had to be funny. It should be topical—maybe something summery. A cucumber-pickling recipe, perhaps? I quickly realized that I was, in fact, good dill hunting. (I crack myself up.)

I found an inspiring post titled “Fantastic Ideas to Kick Off Your Summer Blogging!” I had high hopes. These hopes were quickly quashed like a child accidentally dumping her almond fudge chip ice cream cone, leaving a smear of wasted chocolaty goodness down the front of her Wonder Woman t-shirt. (Almond fudge chip makes me cry to this day.) Here are some of the bright ideas listed in the perky Summer Blogging post:

1.    Inspiring Vacation Locales
There are people in this economy who still vacation? Who are these people? Bank robbers? In the past five years, my vacations have consisted of weekend conventions at which I peddle books. Nine times out of ten, I don’t even make it to the lukewarm, bacteria-infested hotel pool. And that’s only if I’m not sleeping in my car. Want an inspiring vacation locale? Try “not sleeping in the car.”

2.    Best Summer Songs
In theory, this sounds like fun. In reality, when you’re stuck in Hartford traffic, listening to your car’s air conditioner wheeze its last dying breath, the last thing you want to do is hear a song that reminds you that it's 100 degrees out with 100% humidity. Back in January, I would scream when any song from Frozen came on the air. Now I have the soundtrack on automatic repeat. Yes I do want to build a snowman with my sister. Right now.

3.    Summer Movies You Must See
This would be a fabulous blog post idea . . . if I’d been to the movies recently. Wait, I did see Jurassic World. Raptors and body parts—okay, yes, that qualifies it as a must-see. Plus, I’ve been inundated with Minion Twinkies, Minion Cheese Nips, Minion cereal, Minion-shaped air fresheners for the car, and Minion Happy Meal Toys, so I feel like I’ve seen that movie. I guess it was cute? Or annoying. Hard to say.

4.    Helpful Sunscreen Tips
Are there people out there who don’t know they should use sunscreen with a minimum SPF of 30, and to re-apply it every two hours? Want a tip that’s truly helpful in the summer in New England? Make sure your heavy-duty tick repellant has sunscreen in it. Then reapply every ten minutes to be safe. I’ve seen those disease-ridden parasites eyeballing their tiny tick watches, waiting for the DEET in your repellant to expire. You know what? Just hose down your lawn with DEET to be safe.

5.    Summer Bucket List
Finally, an idea I could use. I have a lengthy summer bucket list. It includes:

• Not sleeping in my car
  
• Fixing the air conditioner in said car that I really don’t want to sleep in
  
• Reducing the amount of Minion-inspired merchandise in my home and car
  
• Hiding in my car to avoid ticks
  

Overall, I found the “Fantastic Ideas to Kick Off Your Summer Blogging!” blog to be insipid and uninspiring. I’m off to search for ideas on next week’s entry. Perhaps a post about creating decorative blankets to spice up the windows in your home.

You know. Good sill bunting.

We all have our list of things we’d like to do before we die. Mine’s pretty short: see the Violent Femmes in concert; visit Greece (ancient Greece would be preferable); leave as little clutter as possible behind when I die so my nephews don’t have to rent a dumpster to clean out my house. See? Short. However, my anti-Bucket List, things I never, ever, want to do, is much longer. Let’s take a gander:

1.    Climb Mount Everest. As tempting as this might be, what with all of the dead bodies scattering the pathway up and down, I hope to never accomplish this feat. Everest is in the Himalayas. The Himalayas are cold, and precipitous. They have glaciers, another thing I hope  to never see in my lifetime. Every stinkin’ picture I see of Everest shows snow and crags. No thank you. I like my vacations to be warm and to require very little physical effort on my part. I’d rather sit in my warm bed with a hot cup of coffee and read Into Thin Air.

2.    Learn a new language. Listen, I’ve done this. I learned English as a toddler, and that was pretty tough. Then I studied French for seven years in high school and college—also a lot of work. Here’s what I remember: learning a new language is hard. I didn’t enjoy it. Plus, my grandmother taught me a few choice words in Greek, so I think I’m good. I’m already practically trilingual.

3.    Run a marathon. There are two words in that sentence that immediately turn me off: “run” and “marathon.” Run implies physical exertion on my part, and I think we’ve already established that I don’t care to do that. Marathon implies a long distance (I don’t know how long, exactly. My Greek solely consists of swear words and words that sound like swear words but aren’t. Λεμόνι!) I will not be running anywhere unless there are free Double Stuf Oreos at the end of that sprint.

4.    Do an extreme sport. There are actually people (or, as I like to call them, lunatics) who seek out experiences like paragliding, bungee jumping, and skydiving. Nope, no, and nuh-uh. I don’t like heights. Also, I value my life. Pass.

5.    Sing to an audience. A fun little fact about me: the last time I sang out loud, in the privacy of my own living room, the neighbor called to ask if my cat was in heat. I cannot identify nor can I match a note or tone in any song I hear. I would not put myself nor an audience through that kind of torture.

6.    Volunteer at a hospice. Yecch. Sounds depressing. No thanks.

7.    Befriend a stranger. When I was a young girl, my mother used to scold me for talking to strangers, but in my defense, the toothless winos wearing trench coats (and nothing else) that I’d greet on the streets of Hartford seemed really friendly. As I got older, my amazing lack of judgment only got worse. I remember looking at a picture of Ted Bundy and thinking “Ooh, cute. Who’s he?” For my own personal safety, I’m going to pass on this one.

8.    Try out vegetarianism for a month. There are certain things in this world that I not only shouldn’t give up, but have never had the desire to. Animal fat is one of these things. It’s good for your brain and good for your soul. I thought a bucket list was for things you wanted to do before you die, not things that make you want to die.

9.    Have dinner with someone you’ve always wanted to meet. I have a happy reason for not wanting to do this: I’ve met most everyone I’ve ever wanted to meet. And a sad one: the other people I’ve always wanted to meet are all dead. Not that I would turn down dinner with, say, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, but if I actively try to achieve this, there could be trouble. California has some pretty strict stalker laws. It wouldn’t end well.

10.  Conquer your biggest fear. Without a doubt, my biggest fear is needles. I can’t even see a picture of one without getting queasy. Writing about them right now is actually making me uncomfortable and weepy. According to experts like the producers of Fear Factor, the best way to conquer a fear is to immerse yourself in the thing that scares you most. Since a tub full of hypodermics is out of the question, probably the best way to do this would be to get a tattoo. My mother would never forgive me. I try to make it a point to not disappoint my mother. Shame on you all for suggesting that I break my mother’s heart like this!

I could go on and on, but sharing this list with you all has made me realize what’s really important in life, and life is short. I think I’ll grab my copy of Into Thin Air, go to my mother’s house, and eat all of her bacon and Oreos.

The other day, while vacuuming, I had the song “Live Like You Were Dying” by Tim McGraw stuck in my head.  I paused a moment and thought about my day’s plans: clean the house, iron clothes, and go grocery shopping.  If I were to be hit by a bus tomorrow, was this really how I wanted to spend my last day?

The answer, sadly, was yes.

Cleaning the house was definitely on the list of things to do right before dropping dead.  I would be absolutely mortified if people started dropping off casseroles to Jason at the house and there were dust balls everywhere.

Ironing would also have to stay on my bucket list, since my mother would absolutely die of embarrassment if I was wearing wrinkled clothing in my casket.  Then there would be two funerals to plan, which would really be hard on my family.  Best to press my prettiest dress now, and spare my mother that humiliation!

My list of things to do on my last day of life wasn’t getting any spunkier.  Should I put off the grocery store and ride a bull named Fu Manchu?  Then I realized that I was being ridiculous – there was no way anyone was going to get me on the back of a bull.  I grew up on a farm.  I’m well aware of how nasty a bull can be.  No matter if I have thirty years or thirty minutes left to live – I’m not riding any bulls.  Best to go to the grocery store, since if people are going to be dropping off casseroles at the house, we should have cream and sugar in the house so Jason can offer them a cup of coffee.

I did decide to live it up a little bit, just in case that proverbial bus was going to hit tomorrow.  I noticed the car needed gas while I was driving to the store, and I decided to get a little crazy and let the gas gauge drop below a quarter of a tank.  And while at the store, besides picking up whole grains and healthy fruits and vegetables, I tossed in a package of Oreo® Doublestuf cookies.  That’s right – if I’mgoing to live like I was dying, I was going to toss calorie-counting to the curb and enjoy an extra helping of cream filling.

On the way home, I thought about other risks I could take before I died.  Perhaps I would skip an episode of General Hospital and see if I’d really missed anything.  I might wear brown shoes with black jeans.  And just once, I’d like to close a book without putting a bookmark in to hold my place.  I was heady with the danger of it all.  I was a wild woman!

Then reality kicked in – or survival instinct.  Chances are, I was not going to die the next day.  I would most likely be around to face the scorn of the fashion police after wearing brown with black.  And close a book without inserting a bookmark?  What was I thinking?

The good news is, I’m still alive.  And these Oreo® cookies sure are tasty.